When Belonging Requires You to Abandon Yourself

Earlier this week, I posted a video about the dangers of contorting yourself to fit into organizations that are unaligned with your personal values and principles—or that simply do not respect or honor your gifts.

When this happens, we often find ourselves trapped in a cycle of microaggressions, sabotage, anxiety, and overperformance, trying to fit into or outrun a system that has already decided to treat us as disposable.

I have worked in organizations like this before. In my first book, Navigating Courage: Leading Beyond Fear, I wrote:

Starting from the first day of work, you only have a certain amount of time to influence the change process. Think about it. You can probably only get people’s buy-in for three new big ideas and maybe twenty small initiatives before they grow weary of your “know-it-all,” “goodie-two-shoes,” “I-know-better-than-you” attitude.

Once people realize that you are challenging the existing paradigm—and the newness of your presence wears off—you can quickly find yourself at odds with the organization. Suddenly, people begin questioning your effectiveness, your qualifications, or, better yet, whether you are the “right fit” for the team.

Marginalized and fearful of losing the very thing you worked so hard for, you find yourself in a precarious place: Do I stay in an environment where I have little power or influence? Do I reinvent myself to survive? Or do I find the courage to leave?

For many Black and Brown professionals, that is the real and difficult choice: stay and begin the degrading tango of the marginalized, or saddle up for the two-step of the wild, wild West and whatever uncertainty comes next.

Neither choice is easy.

But denying the reality of the choice does not protect us.

Awareness does.

When you understand what is happening around you, you can stop internalizing the dysfunction as a personal failure. You can begin to recognize your own power, privilege, responsibility, and—most importantly—your agency.

Sometimes courage means staying and fighting for change.

Sometimes courage means changing your strategy.

And sometimes courage means recognizing that no title, salary, institution, or opportunity is worth sacrificing your humanity just to prove that you belong.

There comes a moment when you have to stop asking, “How do I make myself fit here?”

And start asking:

“What is this place requiring me to give up in order to stay?”

Pay attention to the answer.

Because sometimes the most courageous leadership decision you will ever make is choosing not to abandon yourself.

#NavigatingCourage